Last night, I wanted a change of scenery. Since I live in a small town, there is not much open late especially with free wi-fi. So I found myself at Safeway grocery, lounging in their Starbucks corner. It's one with more natural lighting and lots of organic options. Props for that.
A woman sat down nearby and I got the immediate sense that something wasn't quite right with her. You know that feeling? The one where your inner antennae goes up and alerts you to move on or stay put. I felt fine enough to stay put while I kept a curious guard.
She began to lay out her purchases on the table. There was fried chicken, potato salad, macaroni salad, fried zucchini, and more. Enough food for at least 4 people. She arranged and rearranged the items. Then, ate it all. This was followed up by taking the plastic bags that originally had the food in it, and rubbing them along her arms and legs as if she was cleaning herself.
I'd consider that on the strange side of the continuum.
Yet, there was that finger shaking voice inside of my head that showed up and said "Don't judge, that's not nice."
Funny thing was, I actually wasn't feeling that judgmental. What struck me more was how quickly I (or rather, that voice that supposedly knows better) was ready to slam myself for "judging." This goes right in line with the old adages, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all," "Judging others is bad and you're mean for doing it," and the like.
When did judgment get such a terrible rap? Why is it NOT ok to have a range of feelings? Why do we cut ourselves off from our intelligent emotional senses? Gabrielle Roth, movement pioneer and urban shaman, talked about this very issue in the movie What About Me? and the problems that arise as a result of not being taught to communicate from an emotional field. My response to all this:
Judgment is good.
How so, you ask. Look at it like this, it's just information. We take these bits of info and make meaning out of them, often criticizing ourselves for thinking "bad" or "negative" thoughts. What a waste of energy! Especially when information is neither good or bad. Since it's inherently neutral, why the heck not put a positive spin on it?
Here are 3 ways judgment is good:
"If you spot it, you got it."
I used to argue against this one frequently. How could I be these things that I see in others?! Then I learned a fascinating technique/philosophy called The Work. Here, you get the freedom to judge. In doing so, you open up the door to healing those parts of yourself that you don't like as well as having clearer relationships with others that you judge.
Consider this example: You judge your mom because she's always in other people's business. Your judgment against her is the very same thing - you are in her business thinking she should be different than she is! And that's just one way of looking at it. So, if you want to transform your own limitations, projections, and blind spots, look to your judgment as one of your greatest teachers.
It gives you safety.
When we judge others, it gives us a clue as to whether we feel safe and comfortable around them. Our judgments not only inform us of if others are "safe," they also let us know if we are safe to them. You know how it is when you feel like someone is judging you. Even if nothing is said aloud, there is a certain energy that's felt. If you are the one judging, imagine how safe that person you're judging may be feeling.
People tend to think of safety as purely physical. It's not. It happens on an emotional, mental, and energetic level as well. You want to feel safe, supported, and have trust in others, right? Then offer it yourself, by being aware of your judgments and how it must be for the person you are judging. This isn't about squashing what naturally comes up, it's about taking it to the next level so you can ultimately let the judgment go and feel more connected with others.
It's the bridge to compassion.
I love compassion. It feels good, meaningful, and grounding. Yet, sometimes, I don't feel it as an automatic response. It takes practice, especially if your buttons are being pushed. As much as I want to get to compassion, gratitude, and all the other virtuous type qualities sometimes there needs to be a bridge. Judgment has the potential to be exactly that, if you inquire into it. If you put yourself in that person's shoes. If you see that underneath those remarks is a connection that's wanting to be made.
Apply this framework and let me know, what have you learned from your judgment?
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