This morning I woke up at 4:44 a.m. I don't know too much about the symbology of numbers or numerology itself. But I do know that the number 4 reminds me of my great grandma, Grandma Alta. Right before I woke up, I had been dreaming about her.
I could list a whole slew of memories I have of her. From her holding me & twirling around, as a 1 year old, singing "I love you a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck," to being in her 90s while she laid in bed, waiting for death, reading The Red Tent "Just a little light reading, Dear."
The one memory that surfaces almost every time I think of her is the one where she offered me her wedding ring, and I refused. It wasn't because I was trying to be nice. Or that I was too honored to accept. No. It was completely, utterly due to self-absorption and a lack of knowing how to be a gracious receiver. The reason why I refused? It was gold. I, at my ripe old age of 19, didn't like gold. I liked silver. When I dreamed about my wedding ring, it was silver not gold. What a jerk, right?
That's what I woke up thinking, and crying about, this morning. It is one of my life experiences that I have the hardest time forgiving myself for.
I have been carrying a heavy dose of shame, regret, and anger at myself, for years over this. Seventeen, to be precise. I hadn't realized to what degree until it showed up for me so strongly this morning. Part of me feels like a big dork for holding on to it, and even more so, for sharing it here. But hey, if my disclosure helps you heal, then, worth it.
At what point do you choose to let something go? Something you've been holding on to for so long that it feels like it's a part of you versus just an experience you had. Logically, I know holding things in isn't healthy. Nor is emotional regret and baggage. Logically, I also know that being willing to forgive is the first step in being able to. I'll be honest with you, I didn't want to let it go. I didn't want to forgive myself. I didn't even want to be willing to. Through my tears, I really, really, really wanted to stay angry at myself over this.
Have you ever felt this way?
Over the years, as I've worked with people and listened to their reasons as to why they think they're stuck or what they think is in the way of them moving forward, it was completely obvious to me that those issues were self-created and could therefore be self-transcended. Each of those reasons though, were tied to some memory, some aspect of their life experience that they couldn't seem to forgive themselves for. It was like they were frozen in time when recalling it. The details were as vivid as if they were happening right then in the moment.
I knew, that until they were ready to forgive themselves, they would keep bumping up against that experience and use it as a stronghold to justify where they were in life, as if to say "See, I'm a bad person, I don't deserve this good life I know how to create." Which really means, "I don't deserve happiness." In order to have/allow that, there was some self-forgiveness in order.
Apparently, I found out this morning, I'm no different.
Despite knowing that forgiveness can happen in an instant, I'm choosing to let it unfold piece by piece. Maybe that's how you choose to, too. I cried a bunch. I apologized to my grandma. I said I was willing to forgive myself (I didn't totally mean it). I asked my light family (angels, guides, etc.) to help me forgive myself. I took some deep breaths. I thanked my logic for helping remind me that self-forgiveness is good for my health, happiness, and sense of freedom in life.
I do feel a little bit better. I hope you do too, towards anything you need/want to forgive. Because I'll tell you what, the more we can do this for ourselves, the more we can do it for others. It goes hand in hand with compassion. And at the heart of it, isn't that what we all want? To feel loving, forgiving, connected, understanding, whole, happy, present.
What are you longing to forgive yourself for? Do it now. I will too.
I could list a whole slew of memories I have of her. From her holding me & twirling around, as a 1 year old, singing "I love you a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck," to being in her 90s while she laid in bed, waiting for death, reading The Red Tent "Just a little light reading, Dear."
The one memory that surfaces almost every time I think of her is the one where she offered me her wedding ring, and I refused. It wasn't because I was trying to be nice. Or that I was too honored to accept. No. It was completely, utterly due to self-absorption and a lack of knowing how to be a gracious receiver. The reason why I refused? It was gold. I, at my ripe old age of 19, didn't like gold. I liked silver. When I dreamed about my wedding ring, it was silver not gold. What a jerk, right?
That's what I woke up thinking, and crying about, this morning. It is one of my life experiences that I have the hardest time forgiving myself for.
This is my grandma. My grandma who came to the U.S. via horse and carriage when she was 5. My grandma who was revered in the Oakland community for her volunteer fundraising service, so much so that the Bay Area chapter of the American Cancer Society threw her a party for her 90th birthday and called her an angel. My grandma who had kids and grandkids and great grandkids. My grandma who was married to my Grandpa Meyer for 62 years, who kissed his picture every day since he died and said, "Hello Dear, I miss you sweetheart, how are you doing today?"
She offers me her wedding ring... and I say no with the stupidest reason ever to back up my decision. This does not add up in my mind. Even the minute after it happened, my response made no sense to me. But I couldn't change it, the opportunity had been lost.
I have been carrying a heavy dose of shame, regret, and anger at myself, for years over this. Seventeen, to be precise. I hadn't realized to what degree until it showed up for me so strongly this morning. Part of me feels like a big dork for holding on to it, and even more so, for sharing it here. But hey, if my disclosure helps you heal, then, worth it.
At what point do you choose to let something go? Something you've been holding on to for so long that it feels like it's a part of you versus just an experience you had. Logically, I know holding things in isn't healthy. Nor is emotional regret and baggage. Logically, I also know that being willing to forgive is the first step in being able to. I'll be honest with you, I didn't want to let it go. I didn't want to forgive myself. I didn't even want to be willing to. Through my tears, I really, really, really wanted to stay angry at myself over this.
Have you ever felt this way?
Over the years, as I've worked with people and listened to their reasons as to why they think they're stuck or what they think is in the way of them moving forward, it was completely obvious to me that those issues were self-created and could therefore be self-transcended. Each of those reasons though, were tied to some memory, some aspect of their life experience that they couldn't seem to forgive themselves for. It was like they were frozen in time when recalling it. The details were as vivid as if they were happening right then in the moment.
I knew, that until they were ready to forgive themselves, they would keep bumping up against that experience and use it as a stronghold to justify where they were in life, as if to say "See, I'm a bad person, I don't deserve this good life I know how to create." Which really means, "I don't deserve happiness." In order to have/allow that, there was some self-forgiveness in order.
Apparently, I found out this morning, I'm no different.
Despite knowing that forgiveness can happen in an instant, I'm choosing to let it unfold piece by piece. Maybe that's how you choose to, too. I cried a bunch. I apologized to my grandma. I said I was willing to forgive myself (I didn't totally mean it). I asked my light family (angels, guides, etc.) to help me forgive myself. I took some deep breaths. I thanked my logic for helping remind me that self-forgiveness is good for my health, happiness, and sense of freedom in life.
I do feel a little bit better. I hope you do too, towards anything you need/want to forgive. Because I'll tell you what, the more we can do this for ourselves, the more we can do it for others. It goes hand in hand with compassion. And at the heart of it, isn't that what we all want? To feel loving, forgiving, connected, understanding, whole, happy, present.
What are you longing to forgive yourself for? Do it now. I will too.
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